Science Fiction, Double Feature
by Saoirse the Irish Colleen
Summary: HPRHPS parody series! It all began with Katie Bell and Percy Weasley on their way to Prof. Flitwick's anniversary party in the flying Anglia find themselves with a flat tire.
1. Over At The Malfoy Manor

**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. All _RHPS _lyrics and associated materials are the sole property of Jim Sharman, Richard O'Brien, Richard Hartley, Lou Adler, and Michael White.

**Science Fiction, Double Feature**

**By Saoirse the Irish Colleen **

_Chapter 1: Over at the Malfoy Manor_

The beat up cerulean Ford Anglia rolled round the corner silently, its curly redheaded driver scanned the boring muggle neighborhood for number 92. Puttering down the row of impressive two and three story homes with their manicured lawns and prize-winning gardens, Percy Weasley felt foreign with a flush of envy as this was as far from Ottery St. Catchpole as any young wizard could come. But Percy was confident since his exploits, as Head Boy will benefit him at Stonehenge where he will go on to become Valedictorian and his future in the Ministry was most assured. It was frustrating that number 92 was nestled in a grove stretching past the border of Dunne Hill; however Percy did note that it did provided adequate camouflage when they departed into the air.

Percy gave his reflection on the car's tinted passenger side window a quick once-over feeling for the first time in his post-pubescent life handsome, admiring the tailored charcoal grey suit and Gryffindor scarlet silk necktie his mother helped him purchase at Finicky Filbert's for the Frugal Wizard. Striding up the brown brick walk to the antiquated Bell residence Percy firmly gripped the brass lion's head knocker and brought it down twice. A moment later he heard the vague creaking of doors and a clear voice above him called out, "I'll be down in a minute Percy!"

Katie stood out on her balcony and waved to her former housemate before plunging back into her room. Percy nodded and reached into his pocket to retrieve his watch. He flipped the lid open and checked the time, 8:15 P.M. He would sacrifice the cheese and biscuits to do this favor for Penny as she went to great lengths to see Katie with her muggle step dance school troupe perform in Galway, the least he could do was give her a lift to the party. Portkeying overseas made him nauseous, but it was slightly reassuring that Ireland was so close. Though Percy did grouse at the fact that Professor Flitwick wanted to hold his 110th Teaching Anniversary at his home in Aylesbury instead of Hogwarts, did that little man give any thought whatsoever to the graduates who might have a full plate _after _the ceremony? And where were Katie's parents? Percy pondered at the fact it was not all that appropriate for a young, unlicensed witch to be at home sans supervision. But thinking back to all the arguments he had to referee between Katie and Oliver off the Quidditch pitch Percy thought it best to leave well enough alone and that Oliver's Chaser could probably handle a whole regimen of Death Eaters on her own without resorting to an Unforgivable Curse. Percy resolved to stick to that reasoning without delving into more personal matters which Katie would take offence to- particularly concerning Oliver.

The cherry door opened and Katie emerged dressed in a simple cranberry red tank dress and matching bolero, a tiny purse slung over her shoulder with a leather pouch under her left arm. "Sorry about that Percy," she fiddled with her keys, "had to use a relocation spell to find a pair of earrings Mum said I could borrow."

Percy sighed. "You know its summer holiday Katie," he said reprovingly in a tone he reserved for his Hogwarts duties. "It's not advisable to use magic for such trivialities." Katie looked up from rooting through her purse for lipstick.

"It's also a timesaver. We're going to be late!" They piled into the car and Katie instructed Percy to back into the garage where the adjacent wall vanished to give them access into the wooded area behind the house.

"Hang on!" Percy hit the accelerator and made stardust tracks in the violet night sky.

The glitter trail from the spelled slide projector dimmed as the final image faded. Headmaster Dumbledore stroked his downy beard and swished his wand shutting down the ancient contraption. He saw a great fireball erupt in the corner of his eye and a pile of ash fell into the tray below the perch. Lifting the hem of his heavy purple and gold ermine robes, Dumbledore swiftly floated to a side table laden with books, beakers, and gyroscopes of varying sizes he fished out a tiny phial from a small chest and returned to the perch in time to see Fawkes, now a baby phoenix emerge from the ashes and held it under his eyes. Fawkes' tears filled the phial and Dumbledore satisfactorily corked it then drew his wand across the air and from this secret spatial pocket a box levitated out and its lid popped open. Placing the phoenix tear phial amongst other little things Dumbledore returned it to its hiding place. Fawkes cheeped as he waddled across the Headmaster's desk taking its first steps.

"I would like," Dumbledore said taking his seat and a thick tome and folder floated down from a bookshelf into his hands, "if I may, to take you on a strange journey." The book opened depicting a map of England, and in red a thick shimmering red line traced the route from Katie's house in North London to the Anglia's destination to Professor Flitwick's and a separate point labeled 'MALFOY MANOR.' "It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Percy Weasley and his housemate Katie Bell, two young ordinary healthy wizards left Dunne Hill that late June evening to attend a gathering at Professor Filius Flitwick, charms instructor and head of Ravenclaw House." Dumbledore opened the folder and shuffled through two black and white moving headshots of Percy and Katie in their Hogwart's robes and on the Ministry of Magic's parchment were written depositions taken from both students. "It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But eh, they being normal young wizards and eh on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out. It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time."

The rain rippled in sheets down the Anglia's windshield but neither Katie nor Percy wanted to stop and perform the Impervius charm for feared they might spoil their clothing or waste more time. Since Percy was willing to give Katie a lift to the party whilst her parents were still in Addis Ababa for an undisclosed mission, the Ministry sent them on she kindly put her radio commando habit on the back burner as Prime Minister Fudge's delivered his latest speech over the wireless in the car. It was more exciting to watch the rain pelt the glass than listen to his hypocritical prattle.

'_I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But it's troubling I must put the interests of the Wizarding community of the United Kingdom first. The Wizarding community needs a full-time leader and a full-time Parliament particularly at this time when dark days may be upon us once more…'_

Katie was rocked from her daydreaming as the wind was torn by another broomstick rocketing past the car, its darkly cloaked pilot impassive by the storm. "Merlin! That's the third wizard that's flew past us. They do take their lives in their own hands what with the weather and all."

"Yes Katie. Life's pretty cheap to that type," Percy commented squinting to see the sky ahead. By his grave tone Katie sensed something amiss with the former Head Boy, as he was uncharacteristically quiet throughout the journey.

"What's the matter Percy?" She got her answer when a sky block appeared, levitating lanterns flashing bright yellow and a wooden orange and white striped barrier spelled to glow the phrase 'DEAD END.'

"Hmmm. We must've taken a wrong turn round that steeple a few miles back," he shook his head dubiously.

"Then where did that broomstick flyer come from?" Percy ignored her and checked the rear view mirror for any other broomsticks or flying cars before he backed up.

"I guess we'll just have to turn back." Katie groaned and was forced to take her grandmother's advice and make the best of it. Reaching for her purse the Anglia was violently jolted by something striking the back end nearly throwing Katie and Percy out of the windshield.

"What was that bang?!" Katie shrieked.

"Pigeon," Percy guessed, "no, must've been a blow out- dammit! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed." Percy rummaged through the glove compartment for his wand before turning his attention back to the sky. "As soon as we land you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help." The sudden drop in altitude indicated their landing and when Percy determined that they were in a stable enough spot he cut the engine and the car thudded on the muddy earth.

"But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?" Katie queried.

"Did you happen to notice if we passed a castle back down the road a few miles?" Crossing her arms over her breasts, Katie tightened her mouth trying to recall.

"I did make out what looked like odd turrets, but I can't be sure Percy."

"Maybe they have an owlery I might use. Or perhaps a telephone if they know what it is." Pocketing the keys he was just about to open his door when Katie put her wand into her purse and hung it on her shoulder.

"I'm going with you."

"Now Katie there's no sense in both of us getting wet!"

"We'll take the robes."

Percy was mortified. "Those are our Gryffindor dress robes! It's against protocol! Just stay here, think of what Oliver might say." It was her turn to shake her head.

"Don't even try it Percival Weasley! I promised Penny I'd look after you. What would she say if the owner of that owlery is a beautiful witch and you might never come back again?" Percy chuckled knowing that's exactly what Penny would say. Percy helped Katie out of the car, kicked the flat rear tire and placed several locking charms on it. Before they started their walk up the road the two quickly drenched wizards produced their wands.

"Lumos!" They shouted and the tips blazed aiding them up the dangerous path. Clumsily hacking through brambles and tree branches, jumping at every crack of thunder, whistle of wind, flash of lightning, and Percy nearly breaking his ankle from the poor roads now miniature mudslides their Gryffindor determination spurred them forward. Even as they came up to the hundred foot wrought iron gate with bleeding signs that read **'NO TRESPASSING!'**, **'ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!'**, **'GET LOST!'**, **'BEWARE OF THE UKRAINIAN OPALEYE!'**, and of course **'KEEP OUT!' **

_**(Katie)**_

_In the velvet darkness of the blackest night_

_Burning bright_

_There's a guiding star_

_No matter what or who you are_

Katie stops as she sees Percy on the path facing the castle

_**(Katie & Percy)**_

_There's a light_

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_Over at the Malfoy Manor_

_**(Katie & Percy)**_

_There's a light_

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_Burning in the fireplace_

_**(Katie & Percy)**_

_There's a light, light_

_In the darkness of everybody's life_

Katie and Percy part from one another as a line of cloaked wizards on broomsticks nosedive towards the castle and a figure carrying a candelabrum watches the teens from a tower window. He is stooped over in a most uncomfortable manner with thinning shoulder length greasy dark brown hair and protruding teeth

_**(Peter Pettigrew)**_

_The darkness must flow down the river of night's dreaming_

_Flow morphia slow let the sun and light come streaming_

_Into my life_

_Into my life_

Pettigrew's attentions turn to a yellowing black and white moving photo of four young men in Gryffindor robes on the wall

_**(Katie & Percy)**_

_There's a light_

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_Over at the Malfoy Manor_

_**(Katie & Percy)**_

_There's a light_

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_Burning in the fireplace_

_**(Katie & Percy)**_

_There's a light, light_

_In the darkness of everybody's life_

**TO BE CONTINUED IN _TIME WARP_!**


	2. Time Warp

_Chapter 2: Time Warp_

Their clothes saturated, molded to their shivering bodies Katie and Percy ran up to the castle doors in hopes of finding temporary shelter or at least a tolerant host who would let them use their owlery. Percy pulled the bell chain that bore a striking resemblance to the Hand of Fate and a funeral march chimed. Katie had her doubts and each time when lightning struck she looked up to see whose flag flew at the top of the castle, but could not make it out.

Dumbledore finished crushing some lemon drops into a fine powder with his charmed mortar and pestle for Fawkes to nibble on and continued his tale.

"And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Percy and Katie and that they had found the assistance their plight required- or had they?"

"Percy, let's go back. I'm cold and I'm _frightened_!" Katie quaked rubbing her arms to conserve whatever body heat she had left after getting drenched by the rain.

"Just a moment Kate, they may let us use their owlery." The colossal black wood and iron door moaned open to reveal a short man in a butler's uniform which looked to be two sizes too small. His eyes were sunken in, rims tinged red. His skin was so pallid it had a bluish hue that contrasted with his greasy long brown hair. And they thought Professor Snape could use some fashion tips!

"Hello." He drawled in a northern accent. Percy took his hand in a firm handshake.

"Good evening. My name is Percy Weasley, former Head Boy of Gryffindor House at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and this is my friend Katie Bell, student of Hogwarts and Gryffindor House Team Quidditch Chaser. You see our flying car's had a break down a few miles up the road. Might we use your owlery?" The butler clicked his buckteeth and scanned the pair hungrily. Percy was oblivious and Katie was ready to draw out her wand to Avada Kedavra the stranger.

"You're wet." The butler remarked flatly.

"Yes. It's raining," Katie uselessly pointed out.

"Yes." Percy reiterated feeling awkward. The lightning struck again, only a great deal closer illuminating the castle catching the two Gryffindors' attention and saw seven _Nimbus 2001 _broomsticks leaning up against a dying hedge.

"Yes," the butler distracted them, "I think perhaps you'd better both come inside." He stepped aside to give them access to the foyer. Percy took Katie's hand and led her in.

"You're too kind," Katie's protuberant eyes shot Percy's back with lasers. A great clamor of jazzy music and laughter trailed from behind the main gallery's closed doors. Katie and Percy so reluctant to move from their place in the entrance hall looked all round at the disturbing and grotesque artwork and artifacts that made up the decorum of the house. It also hadn't looked like it was lived in considering cobwebs hung everywhere and great clouds of dust rose from the carpet each time someone took a step. "Oh Percy I'm frightened!" Katie said wrenching his hand tighter. "What sort of a castle is this?" She hissed. Tentatively they followed the butler, now in better light could see that he had a hunchback busying himself with relocating his candelabrum.

"Probably a hunting lodge for some wealthy wizarding weirdoes," Percy mused.

"This way," the butler instructed leading them deeper into the corridor.

"Are you having a party?" Katie piped up. The butler's face split in an odd grin and faced the two unexpected arrivals.

"You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs." The three paused in front of the staircase.

"Oh lucky him." Katie replied. They did not see the person stroking a dust cloth along the banister above.

"You're lucky. He's lucky. I'm lucky," she drawled in a thick French accent, then slung a long fishnet stockinged leg over the railing and slid down slamming into the pedestal in the shape of a Manticore. "WE'RE ALL LUCKY!" She cackled throwing a feather duster to the butler. Jumping from her perch, the woman wore a tight French Maid's costume, stiletto boots, and the cap had to be magicked to her scalp because her auburn hair was so wild and teased with hair care charms and potions. The butler swung open a coffin-shaped grandfather clock containing a skeleton that began to strike midnight.

_**(Peter Pettigrew)**_

_It's astounding_

_Time is fleeting_

_Madness takes its toll_

The maid sighs in pleasure, licking glossy cherry lips at Percy and Katie's expressions

_But listen closely_

_**(Fleur Delacoeur)**_

_Not for very much longer_

_**(Peter Pettigrew)**_

_I've got to- keep control_

_I remember doing the time warp_

_Drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me_

_**(Peter & Fleur)**_

_And the void would be calling_

//They chased Katie and Percy round a green and silver statue of a wizard to the main gallery's doors that burst open//

_(Slytherin Chorus)_

_Let's do the time warp again_

Every Slytherin student fourth year and up were in attendance along with their parents who were on the dance floor. Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Crabbe and Goyle, and the entire Slytherin Quidditch team hung to the side and exploded in laughter and taunts when they saw their Gryffindor adversaries

_Let's do the time warp again_

Dumbledore transfigured the projection screen into a chart depicting moving dance steps

**(Dumbledore)**

It's just a jump to the left

The Slytherin alumni leapt into the _Time Warp's _first position

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_And then a step to the right_

**(Dumbledore)**

With your hands on your hips

The Slytherin alumni snapped their knees together in a conga line

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_You bring your knees in tight_

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

_That really drives you insane_

_Let's do the time warp again_

_Let's do the time warp again _

Fleur gracefully sailed from the gallery's steps and joined in the dancing

_**(Fleur Delacoeur)**_

_It's so dreamy_

_Oh fantasy free me_

_So you can't see me, no not at all_

_In another dimension_

_With voyeuristic intension_

_Well secluded I see all_

Hypnotically Katie and Percy walked down to the gallery following Fleur's every move when Peter apparated from behind

_**(Peter Pettigrew)**_

_With a bit of a mind flip_

_**(Fleur Delacoeur)**_

_You're into the time slip_

_**(Peter Pettigrew)**_

_And nothing can ever be the same_

_**(Fleur Delacoeur)**_

_You're spaced out on sensation_

_**(Peter Pettigrew)**_

_Like you're under sedation_

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_Let's do the time warp again_

_Let's do the time warp again_

Katie looked at Pansy Parkinson sitting atop a muggle jukebox with charmed green and sliver chasing lights dressed in an outrageous sparkling outfit which was a short black robe thrown over a bustier and miniskirt. Her silver top hat was pinned to her head, as her stylized bleach-blond ponytail was pulled up tight with a green satin ribbon

_**(Pansy Parkinson)**_

_Well I was walking down the street just a having a think_

_When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink_

_He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise_

_He rode a Firebolt and had the devil's eyes_

_He stared at me and I felt a change _

_Time meant nothing, never would again_

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_Let's do the time warp again_

Dumbledore performed the Wingardium Leviosa spell on himself to lift himself onto his desk

**(Dumbledore)**

It's just a jump to the left

Dumbledore assumed the first position

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_And then a step to the right_

**(Dumbledore)**

With your hands on your hips

Dumbledore assumed the second position

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_You bring your knees in tight_

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

Dumbledore pranced about his desk

_That really drives you insane_

_Let's do the time warp again_

_Let's do the time warp again_

Pansy jumped down from the jukebox with a catlike yowl and began her tap dance routine across the ballroom, then just as she was finishing her pirouettes Pansy crashed to the floor

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_Let's do the time warp again_

_Let's do the time warp again_

**(Dumbledore)**

It's just a jump to the left

Pansy stalks over to the dancing crowd and Fleur and Peter join her

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_And then a step to the right_

**(Dumbledore)**

With your hands on your hips

_**(Slytherin Chorus)**_

_You bring your knees in tight_

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

Katie nudges Percy and nods to him as they silently shuffle to the exit in hopes that no one would notice and as one they climb the steps up backwards

_That really drives you insane_

_Let's do the time warp again_

_Let's do the time warp again_

The company falls to the floor and Malfoy, his henchmen, and the Quidditch team look on nonplussed

Katie jogged Percy's elbow, as they stood wide-eyed and stupid in the open doorway. "Say something," Katie whispered.

"Say!" Percy exclaimed loud enough for the company to bolt up from where they were lying, "do any of you know how to Madison?" Katie groaned then snatched his arm steering him out into the corridor.

"Percy, please let's get out of here."

"For the gods sakes keep a grip on yourself Kate." He said through a stiff grin.

"But it seems so unhealthy here." Katie replied keeping one eye on the dancers who were rising from the floor like charmed cobras and the furtively conferring Quidditch team lifting hands to shield their conspiring whispers from time to time.

"It's just a party Katie."

"Well I want to go!" She huffed.

Percy's patience was wearing thin and his wet boxers were beginning to ride up and make him itch. "We can't go anywhere until I get permission to use their owlery."

"Then ask for a house elf or something!" Katie threw her hands up.

"Just a moment Katie. We don't want to interfere with their celebration," and Percy brought his voice down an octave, "we should keep a relative peace with the dungeon-dwellers outside of school."

"I heard that, Weasel!" Flint snarled.

"This isn't the Wizarding Chamber of Commerce Percy!" Katie hissed not wanting to feel Flint's fury off the pitch.

"They're probably hosting some foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more… folk dancing!" Katie was being pushed to her limits and refused to tolerate Percy any longer.

"Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!"

Percy shook his head curtly, "I'm here, there's nothing to worry about." Not only did Percy's overconfident comment fail to alleviate Katie's fears she felt the brush of something against her back. She spun round and saw the heavily made up face of a towering blonde man and screeched before the world went black…

**TO BE CONTINUED IN _SWEET TRANSVESTITE_!**


End file.
